The 25th of July, 2009
To Mr. JGregg (aka, FatScribe):
Re: Your Open Letter to the 44th President of the United States of America
Dear Mr. JGregg (if that is your real name):
Thank you kindly for your missive, dated 23 July 2009. It is always a welcomed delight to receive communication from my fellow Americans, even the conservative kind as you so obviously are. I believe, and this administration believes, that communication is a two-way street (see how that works, right there?), and we encourage transparency in this the most transparent of all White Houses.
First, Mr. FatScribe, or perhaps I can just call you Fat? Since I'm nothing if not familiar. First, but I repeat myself, we cannot have you using the presidential seal on your website willy-nilly like that. Now that you've used it on your "open letter," I can't very well use it on mine now can I? So, no more using the official imprimatur of this very important office.
Secondly, you mention that your kids are of the same mixed-ancestry as mine. Either your kids are white or black, but they cannot be both. As I have chosen to identify with my black ancestry, as have my power base, so too your children must choose which ancestry they identify with. So, for instance, I've looked at your website -- in fact, so has the Secret Service, thoroughly, I might add -- and it appears that your brood are not at all like me. They're more of a cafe au lait color. So, perhaps you should consider helping them identify with their white parentage over their parentage of color? This is not an official edict or fiat of any sort (yet), just a friendly suggestion to help your family promote racial harmony. What I'm saying is like what Martin Luther King said about ... wait, it's not at all like what Dr. King said about the "content of their character." Oh, well, let's forget that part and chalk it up to TOTUS being down.
In your rather wordy remonstrance, you characterize yourself as having waited 100 days before responding to my administration. Now, that's where you made your mistake, sir (if you are a sir). You got to get after it pronto when you're going to steer the ship of the U.S of A. completely into uncharted waters. I and my administration hitched up our pinstriped pants and we got after it, but good, right?! But, you mentioned a lot of that in your letter to me, so we wont have any tautologies here in this letter right here, here.
I'm going to stop numbering my points now because I'm not sure how long this is going to go, and I'm not sure about how to properly say "seventhly" (damn, TOTUS being down). But, I digress. I appreciate your support about throwing out the first pitch. Wait. Ha! I just thought of something sort of funny: If Michelle threw out the first pitch, she'd be the first lady throwing out the first pitch. But, I digress again. Anyway, you didn't make fun of my mom jeans, so I won't make any comments about your profile pic, or your film reviews, or the fact that you stopped following me on Twitter.
Look, Fat, we have a lot to agree to disagree about. Let's just agree on finding some common ground here where we can move forward together on ... I know, crickets, right? How to fill an awkward pause. Hmmm. I've got it! I'll stop using the bullly pulpit to make pronouncements off the top of my head regarding race relations and things where I don't know the facts, and you stop writing supposedly serious "open letters" to my office. Agreed? Solid.
Warmest of regards,
[Here the 44th President of the United States has affixed his signature]