18 March 2010

Ask Fats No. 1

Fats, let me ask ya:

My job is a fairly important one and so need to keep my true identity on the down low, or as the kids say, the "DL." This gig has many, many benefits and perks the likes of which are unparalleled in modern history: a private 747 (two identical planes actually) at my disposal 24/7; a beautiful antebellum manse to live in; a private chef with large staff; a staff of top-notch politicos ready to execute whatever agenda I deem fit for the next fiscal year; in addition to a "dog whisperer" to take care of the "first pooch," we call him the Dog Czar. I also get to carry a football around all day, which is kinda cool, but it's not a real football (that was confusing to me, too); it actually is a remote doohickey that helps to blow things up -- which is kinda cool too, in a Dr. Strangelove sort of way.

However, it has some serious downside. Some even say that my j-o-b is the single most powerful, important, and sometimes dangerous j-o-b in the world. Believe it or n-o-t, several of my predecessors have even been killed while holding this prestigious office -- and no, I'm not Captain of the Argentinian spelunking team or working the killing floor at the local slaughter house. Though some (Bismarck, et. al.) have compared what we do here to making sausage, it's actually more like herding cats, a bunch of nasty, ill-tempered, ungrateful cats who've forgotten what it's like to actually hold down a real job or start a company (and, yes, I am looking at a mirror when I write this, and darn it all, I look good, Fats!).

Fatty ole boy, you must realize that my position is a stresser to be sure, and as I've reached the pinnacle of this profession, I have the lion's share of that stress. For instance, I had to work real creatively with Majority Leaders in the House and Senate to come up with just the soupcon of bribery and Chicago party machinery machinations to swing votes in Lousianna and Nebraska --and that only cost the American citizenry an extra $400 million in graft. My job has prematurely aged many a President, er, Chief Executive, of this company. I mean certain of these cats before me have literally had their hair turn white, like they were Isaiah or Moses in the presence of God or a burning bush or the ghost of Teddy Kennedy. I've heard tell that to hide the gray, one should keep their hair trimmed "high and tight," but my dome's already started to gray as well, and I'm only in my second year of my first term. Fats, like I said, stress.

You should probably know that there are a few million of my employees on the payroll, and no, before you ask, again, I'm not the CEO of WalMart, bringing us to the problem at hand, Fats:

My leadership team has decided to adopt a new health plan for the, uh, well, NOT for the company and our employees, but rather for the rest of the country. I know this sounds a bit odd, but hear me out. We've decided to change your health plan, but not ours. Our health plan here at my wonderful company is terrific; I mean best in class -- best in the world, actually. However, I came upon this notion of bringing a health package for the rest of country, which may include coverage for illegals as well (you may have heard me and my predecessor refer to these folks as "undocumented workers"), because dang it, health care coverage, IMHO, is a right. Right!?

You seem like a sensible fellow, Jg., any thoughts? What are you ideas here?

- "Barry" in D.C.

Dear "Barry" --

Wow. What an amazing and awkward question you pose. Amazing in that you'd actually reach across the aisle and pose your query to one as conservative as myself, in spite of my being just a lowly, oh-so-lowly, unemployed legal consultant who pitches an occasional screenplay to the studios or creates a startup with huge potential. Awkward in that you'd think I or the seven dear readers who visit FatScribe wouldn't know your "true identity." Unless you're going for that whole super hero thing with the secret identity.

Regardless, sir, you honor me with your request, so here goes:

First, you've now become an historic president ... again. But, this time, it has nothing to do with being the first person of color or the first statist president to be elected. You've now earned the distinction of being the first president to radically alter the course of our country w/out the support of the American electorate. Well done, you, you radical super hero, you. But, I have to wonder if this Pyrrhic victory for you and your leadership team is truly worth the bloodletting that's about to take place in a few months.

Secondly, it seems to me that if we apply the same essential argument that you make for health care coverage (which is NOT the same, btw, as true health CARE, and not simply "coverage") why don't we also apply the same syllogism to housing (I'll take a nice 3-story overlooking Manhattan Beach), or transportation (make mine a Tesla Roadster please, to keep it green Barry. Let's keep it green, baby!), and also the legal system. You know those lawyers that you love so much (you included, and Michelle too!), they love using the legal system to knock down those evil capitalists and big corporate types. Let's also provide essential legal services to the American citizenry as well and wipe out the billable hour for your law firm buddies and also for their cohorts. And, yes, let's also start to jail and fine the big time lawyers who make over the amount you and your new legal services czar deem as unconscionable. Too close to home? Sorry about that.

Finally, Mr. President, I have to ask, sir, if you have actually read this bill. Just last week you and your Lt. in the House, the honorable Nancy Pelosi, have both admitted you haven't read this bill (and we both know Sen. Harry Reid hasn't -- no elected official on their way out would do such a preposterous thing!). Perhaps it's time to flip leisurely through the 2,400 some-odd pages, because then you'd discover that your health care legislation that was passed under the chicanery of budget reconciliation process, actually provides for 16,000 new IRS agents to be hired to crack down on the evil, criminal class who actually may not buy health insurance under this plan. I don't know about you, but it seems like you're not really seeking to be the great reconciler you campaigned on. The first-half of your administration has been mostly smash-mouth politics, legacy and mid-term elections be damned. Can we agree that if the 2010 elections swing radically back to center that we admit a referendum has been called and discuss pulling back from the brink of socialized medicine disaster?

I leave you with this question, Mr. President. If ...
  • Medicare is a failure;
  • The DMV is a guaranteed time-suck;
  • Social Security is bankrupt, imploding in on itself (leaving the rest of us in the lower half of the pyramid scheme SOL);
  • The Post Office is an annual money loser and the Postmaster General is threatening to shut down to run only 4 days each week;
  • The VA can't even take care of our most respected fellow citizens, and is routinely castigated for its incompetent administration and poor health care;
  • and if Amtrack is the poster child for letting a crippled business fold
... then, how do you, "Barry in DC," think that our big gobment bureaucrats are going to actually administer our health care in a manner better than the incompetent exemplars above? It's not about fairness, is it? It's about equal suffering and equal results. It's about your desire to have the government truly run our lives by a few hundred thousand appointed Democrats. If I'm wrong, sir, hit me back on a future ASK FATS post. Perhaps you'll have another query before the end of your first term?


Dumbwit Tellher said...

Oh, I get to make the first pity remark; I only wish I had read all 2000+ pages & therefor could make a more informed/clever comment. You write provoking much thought (as always) but this is my lowly thoughts for you; your 6 items of government failure is all sadly true. There is no doubt in my mind that this new bill is riddled with huge problems and so on.
If only I knew the solution for people such as my husband when it came to health "Care". When he is working contract there is no medical benefits of course. Myself and the kids I can get care for, he is always denied. The state of Texas takes care of those that are denied heatlh care, but any other plan, denied. Cobra for the three of us was $2200./per month. (medical insurance co.'s make my blood boil)
This is the clincher - husband has a debilitating disease that requires an infusion every 8 weeks @ $4000. No treatment means shortly ending up not walking and in great pain. When someone you love who has always worked hard, cannot even receive benefits, even if you can pay for them, where does that leave you. Eventually he'd be unable to work. If we go to Scotland, working or not working he'd receive medical care. Just not sure what the resolve is for America. I'm so weary of such discourse and hatred (not meaning you JG)running through the veins of most Americans. Sad times all around. I enjoyed your post, you never disappoint. x

Julia Christie said...

I confess to having my head down, even buried, when it comes to most things political... Your delightfully sarcastic and scathing diatribe makes it hard to continue to pretend indifference or ignorance though. I confess to not having read the 2000 + pages either,:-) but you make me wanna!

Sad that at this point in history, if something comes from our government, we tend to be immediately suspicious of its' content ~ Even sadder that our suspicions are quite often well-founded.

Enjoyed this.

Barbara said...

I am seriously depressed, disgusted and disappointed. Should have known better at my age to think those pro life Democrats wouldn't be bought off. In fact I really did know it, just hid my head in the sand momentarily.

And am totally digusted by the laughter and gloating by Pelosi and her cohorts in crime.

Caleb S. Garcia said...

That was way over my head, but I think I got it. It was barry clever. And you make some good points, your skepticism is not without cause.

One Ticked Chick said...

I share your sentiments regarding passage of the health care legislation, JG. Now that what's done is done, the rhetoric on both sides of the issue is getting even uglier, which I didn't think was possible. I believe the best course of action at this point is to let the Courts sort this mess out, and for all of us to make our opinions known via the ballot box in November.

christian soldier said...

Hmmm-the Constitution is 19 or so pages...and formed the greatest-free-est Nation ever to exist...- the United States...
The boh - nancy P bill is over 2000 pages and is one more 'nail in the coffin' for the usurpation of freedom...
guess which I choose? --and will work (fight) to regain?!!!!
Like you post below - too - :-)